Death Eater in Walmart

Okay, I feel like this piece is going to need some explaining. One of my assignments in my creative writing class was to put a character in a unique location and make them a complete fish out of water, and then creative a thought monologue describing five items the character would find. I chose to place a Death Eater (from Harry Potter) in Walmart. I think it's one of the most random and entertaining pieces I've written! Enjoy!

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Walmart. Hmm, interesting name for a muggle store. I slowly walked inside while curiously looking around inspecting the unfamiliar territory. Muggles are so strange; their stores are so bright and…boring. Every product is lined up perfectly, matching and correlating to each other in a neat and organized fashion. Where’s the crazy moving stuffed animals? The floating candy? Being a muggle must suck. What a monotonous life without magic.

            As I stood near the front door inside, I scanned the area for trolleys to put my supplies. I couldn’t find anything except these strange large baskets labeled “carts” above their storage space. I guess this will have to do.

            I began to walk through the aisles, analyzing the different types of food they had to offer. They had a lot of similar foods to the wizarding world, which actually surprised me. Bread, cookies, eggs, the basics. It was disappointing that they didn’t have any pumpkin juice or gillywater, which is one necessity I was looking for in this odd supermarket, but I settled for simple orange juice anyway. At least they still had that.

            I moved over to the cleaning supplies, curious to see what kind of tools muggles used since they didn’t have magic to do their chores for them. It was a depressing and hopeless sight: dusters that required manual labor, these suction machines they called “vacuums” used to clean the dirt on the floor, and mops that didn’t create soap and water on their own. One product made me freeze and take a closer look. It was called “Oxiclean.” Apparently this powder-soap type substance removes stains from clothes “like magic!”

            “HAH!” I guffawed.

A woman curiously turned to look at me with a puzzled expression on her face, “Excuse me, but may I ask, what’s so funny?”

“Oh, um…” I stumbled for a second trying to think of a convincing story that could be understood by a muggle. “I’ve just…used this brand before, and it never worked as well as the label said.”

She looked at the tub of Oxiclean I pointed to through her spectacles, “Ah yes. That cleaning product is so overrated. Never fully gets my stains out.”

“I know, right?” I agreed as she walked away. As soon as she was out of sight I grabbed the bucket of “magic soap” and put it in my cart. I wanted to see this for myself.

As I sauntered down more walkways, I remembered my daughter Stella’s birthday was approaching. For some reason, buying a muggle toy from a muggle store seemed like an intriguing present for my little girl. I made my way through the clothes (which were absolutely appalling, might I say) and stopped in the toy section. The area filled with girl playthings made my stomach churn; everything was pink. I gingerly inched nearer to the toys and began to search for something Stella might enjoy. What do six-year-old muggle girls enjoy? Probably not the same as a witch, though Stella doesn’t really know how use magic right now, so she should be fine. I thought about the guys and if they saw me right now: a death eater, walking in a muggle store, searching for a birthday gift for his daughter, in an all pink doll-infested aisle way. How embarrassing.

I finally found a giant doll head used for brushing and doing hair. I could easily betwitch it to make it more interesting and colorful. Sneakily, I slowly reached for the box and put it in my cart. Hopefully no one noticed.

These three items seemed to fulfill my quota, so I began to make my way to the cash register. Halfway there, I noticed a spooky section near the home decorations. Above it there was a banner that said “Halloween.” Now this should be interesting.

The shelves were surprisingly filled with some of the standard decorations such as pumpkins, bats, and the like. Of course, they were boring decorations that didn’t convincingly move or do anything except maybe light up on their own or make robotic jerky motions and pathetic fake shrieks for two seconds. The most interesting part was the costumes. Apparently muggle children enjoyed dressing like muggle celebrities, fake characters from books, fairies, vampires…then I came across the most hilarious of them all: wizards. Most of them had tall pointy blue hats, thick beards, and long cloaks. They looked like a comical version of Professor Dumbledore. I had to take one of them home and show the guys, they would find this absolutely hysterical. Just for kicks, I went back to the cleaning section and grabbed a broom. This should really knock their socks off.

Muggles. Such simple, ignorant, entertaining people.